


A Day in the life of the Ripper and the Cannibal

by orphan_account



Category: South Park
Genre: Basically Kyle's the ripper, British Slang, Cannibal!Cartman, Dark Comedy, Doctor!Kyle - Freeform, M/M, Serial Killer!Kyle, but has nothing to do with it, inspired by sleepyule's psycho au, that gets the meat for his unemployed husband, victorian au, who can't stand non-human food
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-31 11:46:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15118745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: If someone had told Kyle that he would be put in this kind of situation ten years ago, he would have been tempted to stab them in the eye.





	A Day in the life of the Ripper and the Cannibal

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [SleepyEule's Psycho AU (Art)](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/433621) by SleepyEule. 



> Hello everyone. For today I’m going to.be presenting one of my very first fanfics on this blog. It’s based off of sleepyeule’s Victorian Psycho AU, which is basically a dark comedy dealing with Kyle as a doctor by day and serial killer by night, bringing back human meat for his cannibal husband, Cartman, who can’t for the life of him keep down normal, non-human food.
> 
> As this is one of my first fanfics here, don’t raise your expectations too high. This was just for a laugh. Also, as it is a Victorian AU, I did try to insert some British slang in here to make it a bit more authentic, but if it’s too weird and/or just plain sounds wrong, tell me.
> 
> Without further ado, let us enjoy the story below…

If someone had told Kyle that he would be put in this kind of situation ten years ago, he would have been tempted to stab them in the eye.

No, scratch that, he already did stab them in the eye. The old hag of a fortune teller had it coming. In his defense, the whole thing was nigh impossible. Any sane man would have done the same in his view.

But enough ramblings.

What is this mysterious ‘thing’, you ask?

Why, it was none other than Kyle’s other half, who was currently standing over a tied up, cowering woman. The stench of piss permeated the room, and blood was splattering everything.

It was quite the infuriating sight.

“Cartman.”

Kyle growled, clenching his fists. One could practically see the fumes billowing out from his ears.

The man in question only batted his eyes, acting as if nothing was amiss.

“Kahl~”

“What. Is. This?”

Cartman had the audacity to look surprised, hand splayed out on his chest as if he was some scandalized church lady.

This only served to piss off Kyle even more.

“Why, Kahl, I thought you would know better. Here I am, preparing a nice, homemade meal for the two of us, and yet you act as if I had committed some grave sin. For shame, Kahl, for sha-”

Before he could say anything more, an elbow shoved itself into his neck, forcing the fat man into a wall.

“Is that the shop keep that lives next door?”

“Wh-wha-”

“IS THAT THE SHOP KEEP THAT LIVES NEXT DOOR, CARTMAN?”

The red-faced ginger snarled, hurling the question at his husband, but the brunette only simpered.

“I- I haven’t the foggiest-”

“CARTMAN!”

“K-Kahl, I can’t- I can’t”

Cartman gasped, struggling for air, but Kyle only pressed harder.

“Yes or no, Cartman!”

“J-Jesus, y-yes~”

With a shout, Kyle shoved Cartman away from him. Covering his face, his hands muffled a frustrated groan.

“Oh, God save us now, do you know what you just DID?”

Cartman crept up behind him, sliding his arms around his middle as he whispered in his ear.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking of doing something right now~”

At this, Kyle gave another well placed shove with his elbow, this time in his stomach.

“Piss off, Cartman, I’m not doing bugger all with you until this damned mess of yours is cleaned up. All you had to do was be patient, and wait for me to bring back the meat, but no!”

He twisted around, digging his finger into his chest.

“You just couldn’t wait! You had to go off and do it early, didn’t you! Not only that, but you took someone that we KNOW! Someone that LIVES RIGHT NEXT DOOR! Damn it all, Cartman, you’ve practically led the Yard right on our doorstep-”

“Ay! I’ll have you know that I did it when nobody else was looking. I’m not a complete ninny, Kahl, I’ve survived without you bringing home the bacon before-”

“Oh please, before I met you, you were living under a bridge, and the constable was on your tail. If I hadn’t come when I did, your bones would be hanging over the GALLOWS-”

Kyle snapped back, but Cartman wilfully ignored him.

“ANYWAYS, I’ve survived without you in this world, you heeb, and besides, the bitch was stuffing cats into her disgusting meat pies. CATS, Kahl, can you believe that?” He shook his head. “I couldn’t let that stand. I mean, what kind of sick monster would do that to those poor creatures? I did the world a favor by taking her out, you should be on your knees, thanking me-”

At this, a low muffled wail interrupted his rant. The cat-stuffer in question looked up at them, fear shining bright in their eyes.

Cartman slapped them on the back of the head.

“Ey, shaddup you stupid whore. I wasn’t done talking!”

Kyle rolled his eyes, annoyed by the entire scene.

“She sure doesn’t look 'taken out’ to me, Cartman. Or is the meat supposed to wail after death?”

Cartman narrowed his eyes, and a deep scowl appeared on his face. “Fuck you, Kahl, I don’t have to listen to you bitch. Stop getting your knickers in a twist over nothing. I got the meat in the end, didn’t I?”

Kyle scoffed, “By leaving blood everywhere and generally making an arse of yourself-”

“AND I stopped a vicious cat murderer, too. All in all, you really are being an ungrateful little Jew, especially so considering how long I’ve been waiting for you to get home-”

“Well excuse me if I have to work for a living! Not all of us can laze around at home all day long, doing nothing but sleeping and eating and shitting-”

Dramatically, the rotund man sighed, laying an upturned hand on his forehead. “Yes, at home, left ALL ALONE with NO ONE for company but Mister Kitty. When’s the last time you took me out, huh? I’m not meant to be a kept woman, Kahl!”

“ 'Kept woman’, that’s rich! If anything, I’m the damned kept woman considering the fact that I do all of the cooking and cleaning in this pigsty hovel! Nothing is stopping you from getting off your dead arse and doing something, but DO YOU!? NO!”

In a flash, Cartman drew close as he grabbed the collar of his shirt. “You know full well that it’s difficult for a hardworking man such as myself to find a job with good pay in these trying times-”

Kyle pushed at the bulky frame in front of him, hissing, “That excuse has gotten old, and you know it. Mr. Timothy three doors down managed to get a factory job, and he can hardly walk on his own! If that wretch can get in an honest day’s work, then surely you can! That is, if you actually went out there and TRIED instead of mooching off of me, you-”

Cartman, too angry for words, yanked the redhead’s mouth onto his, devouring it with his tongue. Soon, the two had quickly forgotten their victim, busy as they were attacking each other with their teeth.

Said victim saw the opportunity to flee, but before she could make for the door, a leg kicked her in the chin, stepping on her throat. As Kyle pulled away from the kiss, a wet, popping sound rang in the quiet.

“Mmuh… Kahl?” Cartman’s arms were slung around his neck, eyes glinting with confusion. “Why- Why’d you stop?”

“Because we still have to take care of the meat, you moron.” Kyle stared down at the squirming woman below his foot, her arms grasping for dear life around his leg.

“Oh yeah. Haha. I am still pretty hungry. You mind doing the honors tonight, Kahl? I’m beat.”

“You’re cleaning up the mess before I feed you anything.” He stepped off of the woman’s bruised neck, her head hanging at a crooked angle.

A long, childish whine left the fat cannibal’s throat “But I’m huuuuuungry~ Can’t it waaait?”

Kyle’s eye twitched. “I mean it, Cartman.”

With an exasperated sigh, he relented. “Oh fine, fine. Jeez, you’re such a nag, do you know that?”

“You’re lucky I’m cooking for you at all.”

Cartman nuzzled the redhead’s neck, crooning, “Aww, my dear, sweet Jewberry~ Are you feeling unappreciated? Don’t worry, your cooking warms the cockles of my cold, black heart-”

At this, Kyle moved out of Cartman’s arms, picked up the mop that was leaning against the side of the wall, then threw it in his dear husband’s direction. “Clean.”

“Tch. Can’t even take a compliment. Fine. I’ll clean. But I won’t be treated like a slave! You hear?”

“Whatever.”

With that, Kyle picked up the limp body, slamming the door behind him on the way to the kitchen.

Thus concluded a typical day in the life of the Ripper and the Cannibal.


End file.
